It’s January 2013 and I am wandering around Paris on my own, in the dark, in the pouring rain. I’m speaking at a conference in the morning and I’m rehearsing what I’m going to say as I take in the sights. Even in the middle of winter Paris is a beautiful city.
As I wandered past the Eiffel Tower, a young Austrian couple approached me. Speaking In French that was almost as bad as my own, they asked me a question.
“Excusez-nous, nous sommes perdus. Pouvez-vous nous aider s’il vous plaît”
“I’m, sorry,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders in embarrassment. “I don’t speak French.”
With a look of relief on their faces, they responded. “Oh thank goodness we are so pleased to meet you. We are completely lost and we’ve asked lots of people for directions and they have all ignored us. Please will you help us?”
So there I am in Paris with a recently married Austrian couple, helping them to find their way back to their hotel – even though I’d only visited Paris once before on my honeymoon 27 years earlier.
With a little bit of luck and guess work we managed to find their hotel and afterwards I managed to find my way back to my own.
Now I don’t know what it is about me, but often wherever I happen to be I am approached by strangers who strike up a conversation with me. People approach me in the street, on trains, in stations, at airports, everywhere. I’ve chatted with many different people from all walks of life about anything under the sun. Standing at the checkout at any major supermarket strangers have given me their life story in the time it has taken to whisk my shopping through the till when all I’ve done is smile at them and say hello.
My family has regularly described me as a big friendly giant. But what is it that makes me so approachable?
The more I think about it, the more I think it comes down to a few things. Firstly, I love people and have always been interested in their stories. Secondly, I’ve never been afraid to share my own vulnerabilities – of which there are plenty.
This makes me wonder why being a professional seems to demand that we hide ourselves behind a mask of policy, procedure, knowledge and expertise.
I fully understand why sharing our vulnerabilities can be hard. After all can we ever be sure that others won’t use our vulnerabilities against us? But our vulnerabilities are also a way to connect with people and open up a conversation. Why cant we share with someone we are supporting that we’ve faced challenges? Why can’t we weep with people we are supporting when one of their friends is unwell? Is it too much to say – my life might be different from yours, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to support you in the way that you want to be supported, respect that we are different and have different backgrounds – but that doesn’t mean we can’t be human with each other.
Since I was diagnosed with a somewhat challenging health condition I’ve spent a lot of time using services at my local hospital. As I’ve got to know the team caring for me they have gradually opened up and shared their lives with me. We have over time become friends. When I am in hospital we discuss each others families, what concerns us about the health service, bicycles (no surprise there), books, films and box sets.
Developing friendships with those you are caring for or those who are caring for you, isn’t unprofessional, isn’t stepping over the line in the patient/professional relationship, it’s about being open, honest and being normal.
One of the projects I commissioned when I was Head of Workforce Innovation at Skills for Care involved transforming day support for people with a learning disability in a medium sized independent care provider. Using the work my team had done on developing community skills, the provider pitched us the idea of getting everyone they employed and everyone they supported to do a list of the things that they enjoyed doing, the skills and knowledge they had that were nothing to do with either their job or how they were supported. They then matched workers with people the organisation supported, based on shared interests and shared knowledge (either knowledge that someone had, or someone wanted to learn).
After a dodgy start when everyone distrusted the motives behind sharing this information, the project took off. As people realised it was safe to share things that didn’t have anything to do with being a care worker or being supported by care workers, friendships developed, new ways of supporting each other emerged and the shape of day services changed. Workers and people with care and support needs found common purpose that didn’t involve going to a day centre or working in a day centre everyday. At the same time amongst the workforce, sickness went down and retention went up. The self-confidence of the people being supported increased and they began to feel part of their local communities. All of this happened because everyone began to open up about who they were – their interests, their knowledge, their skills and their dreams.Transformation achieved by developing friendships.
So here’s a challenge for all of us – lets start to make our relationships with the people we support and the people we work with more two way. Sharing our loves, our likes, our hopes and our fears. Who knows we might just discover new ways of working that go beyond the basics and are more meaningful all round.
As for me, well my vulnerabilities include always crying at happy endings in the movies, forgetting that what seems easy to me, isn’t always easy for others and can sometime make them feel threatened, and never respecting people who think they should be respected just because they have an important job title (this one has got me into lots of trouble over the years!)
So you can see, I have never been very good at hiding my vulnerabilities and who I am – maybe that’s why I am a big friendly giant.
Jim Thomas
February 2025
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